My breaking heart...

It's been a month since anything has been posted, but so much has happened. We were almost finished with our home study when a roadblock postponed our journey by about 6 weeks. That was 3 weeks ago. Everyone we spoke with said that these things happen and we agreed. A couple close friends and people familiar with the adoption process said that maybe our baby wasn't ready, and when everything is said and done, we will look back and know that God's sovereignty was all over this.

What happened though, is we sort of got lazy. I stopped researching, studying and was still putting off taking our 10 hours of course work that was needed for the completion. As we got closer, I was reminded I needed to get it done and quickly bought the courses online and bought a book I was recommended to read.

The book is "Fields of the Fatherless" by Tom Davis and I think it has literally changed my life. This adoption started as a "mistake." I sometimes felt like we were just adopting because we were selfish and stupid. Now I am starting to see how huge God the Father really is and I am literally moved to tears. What was meant for evil can be redeemed. I have come to that realization that none of this is about me or my story. My story is fairly insignificant. This whole adoption picture is a reflection of our Heavenly Father, taking us in, adopting us as his own. Every person has a longing for something greater. Even Tom Brady said in an interview, after countless victories, millions of dollars, beautiful women etc., that there is just something more. There is a longing that must be filled.

The eighteenth-century British philosopher, Edmund Burke, said this, "The definition of evil in the world is when good men and women see injustice and do nothing." I read that and was a little uncomfortable. It still makes me uncomfortable because there is a fear that I will write these things, and I will do this now and my fear is in a year, my life won't look any different. And, frankly, it's not doing something just for the sake of humanity, but because each an every person out there is not merely a statistic; they have hearts, souls, desires and dreams. They cry, they laugh, they sing.

One of the resources I saw was a video link for InvisibleChildren.com. When I downloaded it, I didn't find what I thought was right, but started watching anyway. It was about three guys who flew to Africa right as the war in Iraq had started. I watched, and they were funny, so I figured even if it was wrong, it was passing time while giving plasma.

I had to finish watching the video at home. This is how it happened: I put on my Asics running shoes I bought at Scheel's for a race, Puma shorts that I bought at the mega Scheel's, and a t-shirt I bought on vacation at Mazatlan. I downloaded the video to my DroidX and walked on my NordicTrack. As I walked and watched, I bawled. Here I am, trying to work off the holiday weight so I can get back into my skinny jeans comfortably and I am watching a documentary about children in Uganda running from rebels so that they aren't abducted and forced to kill other children. I watched 5-year-old boys carry guns as trained 'assassins'. That boy is Carter's age. We are the same, but I live here, and they live there.

I'm not saying you are a horrible person if you shop at Scheel's, or walk on a treadmill, or enjoy the blessings you have in your life, etc. But I plead with you to watch this short film and think how you could help. How you can be your brother's keeper. How you can influence the widow, orphan or stranger in your context.

No one really likes watching and reading those things, because frankly it's sad and I don't have time to sort it out, or adopt or feed each child. But at the end of the video, this boy cried and just asked that someone remember them. I don't ever want to forget it. I don't know where this will lead us. I don't know how it will happen, all I know is that my heart's desire is for joy and peace, not just mere happiness. I don't want to become heavy with accumulated stuff that is so temporal. I want to impact people, lives, children, the broken and the hurting.

I don't know if I ever would have stumbled on this had I rushed through the last couple weeks because I never would have taken the time to look it up. I was so excited to rush through the home study, I wasn't taking time with God, relishing his work, his plan and his power. I was faced with myself and was forced to quiet down just a bit, and I am sincerely grateful for it.

We know this first adoption will be domestic, but I am already working on James and praying for the next adoption or area of ministry. I am asking God, "...what did you bless me with, that I could share to help another?" I will fail. I will be overcome with selfishness. I will buy something I don't need or dwell on something that is insignificant. I am not perfect. I am merely faced with my brokenness and desperately want to make a change. Maybe it won't even be a ripple in the grand scheme of life. But maybe it will.