Wednesday, November 28, 2012
lessons learned
It's been a year and some months since my last post. This blog was created so that people could watch as what I thought would be a beautiful adoption story would unfold. Being that November is National Adoption Month, it has seemed natural to finally post something again.
I stopped blogging after the second adoption fell through for a number of reasons. First, I felt like I needed so much time to process what all had happened in the months before. I couldn't understand it myself and just sort of fell apart. I exercised excessively to calm my nerves and tried to not appear ungrateful for the wonderful two children I am so blessed to have.
I started having severe anxiety attacks and became a tiny bit of a recluse, pulling back from many things.
We had so many people caring for us, loving us, supporting us through the adoption process, but felt a little like others were watching it as if it were a train wreck or figure skating: you are watching because you are waiting to see how bad the wreck is, or how bad the elegant princess on the ice falls. We sometimes just can't look away from tragedy.
I am choosing not to go into detail regarding our experience because some of that is just private. However, as we process through the last year and a half, we have learned more than I think I wanted to know. We have grown so much and God has blessed so much of what we have done.
I haven't been this vulnerable publicly, but will share just enough.
When we went to Georgia, it was a whirlwind. The baby was life-lighted to another hospital hours away from where we originally were planning to stay. We flew into Atlanta, drove to Macon (a few hours south) and then then next morning, drove all the way to Augusta, GA.
We spoke to our birth mom multiple times and she was so excited to meet us, and see where this beautiful baby girl was going. Upon arriving at the hospital, there were many red flags regarding this hospital's opinion, or perhaps the social worker in the hospital's opinion regarding adoption.
We weren't able to hold the baby girl, as she was in the NICU, however, we could hold her hand, touch her hair, etc. We intentionally chose not to take photos or post anything on social media because of what happened in Memphis.
A social worker from Atlanta drove in to complete the paperwork. Before Jessica, (the Atlanta social worker) arrived, the hospital social worker met with the birth mother. James and I sat in the waiting room, staring at our birth mother's little sister, trying not to be obvious that we knew who she was. While the birth mother was meeting with the hospital social worker on the other side of the door, we received a text from our agency stating that we were being asked to leave the waiting room and that the releases of information had all been pulled. The birth mother decided after discussion with the hospital social worker, that her baby didn't need a family like us. We were stunned and it felt like the beginning of the end, again.
When Jessica arrived, she wasn't greeted appropriately or even professionally. She was told that this young single mother of 4 didn't need to adopt out and that everything would be just fine. The social worker from the hospital would not allow Jessica to do the paperwork on site and asked everyone to leave. After the documents were signed, the hospital social worker was to put the birth mother up in a Ronald McDonald home for the night, but apparently must have forgotten, or just left because it was after 5 p.m. and she was gone. We were asked to cover a hotel for a night, which of course we said we would do for her.
We were told to call in the morning because the birth mother needed to go back in to say goodbye to baby and sign a release of information. The next morning I called around 10 a.m. to see if our release had been signed yet so we could plan the day. Apparently, I called when the birth mother was there and the hospital social worker was caught off-guard. We were told not to come and to wait. We waited until after noon and decided to grab a bite to eat. I received a call from our agency in Tennessee that the birth mother revoked the papers and officially decided she would parent the child.
We had a chance to text, because the birth mother didn't want to meet, and texted back and forth for a while. It seemed futile to try because she became fixated on the idea that we were trying to buy her off when we were asked to cover the hotel.
So, we couldn't get a flight home right away, again, so we stayed and just kind of sat around stunned. We decided to drive to Tybee Island for a day and it was beautiful. It was hot and we just enjoyed the scenery. We took a couple photos, but mostly I wanted to just disappear.
When we came home, we were greeted by family and friends and we were just sort of quiet and stunned. I think I felt that because God allowed me to show so much grace to our first birth-mom, that He wouldn't let that happen again. I became angry, numb, distant and frustrated. Well-meaning people around us would say things like, "Be grateful that you have two healthy children," as if the loss of two others didn't hurt or shouldn't hurt. When a women is pregnant and loses the baby, it isn't like she had a relationship with that child in her stomach and is sad about that. It's the anticipation of what your family will look like. It's the imagining playing in the back yard with your kids together; the ideas of holidays with another child that a lot of times we mourn. I disagree with the idea that one ought not to mourn the loss of a biological or adopted child. That just seems foolish. I don't trust people who tell me what I feel isn't justified. It's how I feel.
I have been worried about sharing anything from the adoption for fear that others who wanted to try and adopt would be scared away. I thought that my story would turn people off to the idea and that somehow I would be responsible. The reality is this: God is sovereign on a good day and on a bad day. I don't think He was up in heaven laughing at me and nudging Peter in the ribs saying, "isn't that funny?! Look at how pathetic it is." I believe it happened because it happened. I did feel punished right away and have worked through a lot of garbage in my heart and mind to get to a place where I know that if we try again, that we learned a lot of lessons. It wasn't futile. But adoption is hard. Anyone HAS to anticipate that.
There is a lot of people awkwardly asking what we are going to do, and how that's going. It's hard for people to even use the word adoption, it's just easier to call it that.
To be honest, I don't really know what we are doing. I know that we made a decision to at least wait until 2013 to make a decision. Does that mean we are renewing our home study and push through again...I don't know.
I know this: All month long, my heart has hurt because of the month that it is. I love my children, but I won't pretend like we didn't lose two other babies, whose names were picked, cribs were prepped and proper nesting was complete. We lost them, and it doesn't mean I can't be grateful for what I have. Whether we adopt, do foster care or find another avenue for the burden on my heart, I figure it will happen in the right time.
m
Monday, August 22, 2011
Update
I have had many ask and figured I could post a quick note:
James and I flew down to Georgia Tuesday, August 9th, to pick up a sweet baby girl. We flew back Sunday, August 14th, without a baby.
There was much that happened in those days and I can say that our hearts are grieved. At this time, we are taking a small break to heal and recoup and will post more information on our next steps after we have processed it entirely ourselves. I'd be lying if I said this didn't cause doubts in my own mind, as the emotions go from numbness, anger, grief, sadness and so on.
Thank you to all who have prayed and cared for us along this way. We believe in adoption and believe our family, Lord willing, will do so in the right timing.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
Melanie & James
James and I flew down to Georgia Tuesday, August 9th, to pick up a sweet baby girl. We flew back Sunday, August 14th, without a baby.
There was much that happened in those days and I can say that our hearts are grieved. At this time, we are taking a small break to heal and recoup and will post more information on our next steps after we have processed it entirely ourselves. I'd be lying if I said this didn't cause doubts in my own mind, as the emotions go from numbness, anger, grief, sadness and so on.
Thank you to all who have prayed and cared for us along this way. We believe in adoption and believe our family, Lord willing, will do so in the right timing.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
Melanie & James
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Blessings and Blessings
Well, as it turns out, the rummage sale was a HUGE undertaking when you have over 50 families and people donate things! We got rid of so much stuff, but I so feel the way the disciples must have felt after Jesus produced more than enough food for the 5,000 and still had left overs.
Our garage was overfilling with items and as we tallied up, the total was over $2,200!! God is so awesome and we feel so blessed that so many of you had us in your prayers, came to support and buy some goods and dropped items off. Because the garage is still pretty full, we are contemplating doing another last bit this Thursday and Friday. A few of the families didn't even have time to drop off their things, and so we still have over 11 tables, a solid oak table and chair set, futon bunk bed, an old school antique couch, among other things. Our family needed a rest and some time to be away, and we were so blessed to go up to Lake of the Woods last weekend with our neighbors. It was beautiful, I will need to post some pictures!
The last couple weekends we had an emotional roller coaster, where in the end, we feel that God has stretched us beyond words and has increased our faith and trust in Him. I was very convicted of not trusting in Him and being so full of fear that things might fall through, or that I will have to come home and try again to explain to two very excited bigger siblings why it just didn't happen. I am confident moving forward with this mom, but life is messy. Adoption usually never stems from a great situation and there are people involved that are just outside of my control. So, we called on the saints for prayer and really feel encouraged with what He has done.
Lately, I have been reading Charlotte's Web to the kids, and I want to savor these times. I get so busy that I forget to just be quiet and let them tell me everything that is on their hearts. Tonight, Carter and I were talking about the changes that will be taking place here and asked if he had any questions. His most pressing question about the baby was this, "Can we teach her to do back flips off the diving board with me?" I said yes, maybe when she is 7 or 10 or something. He replied with, "Yeah, or maybe when she's 20." Yes, maybe.
Graycie has been so excited too, although she's not wondering about back flips. She wants to help feed and love on our little 'sweetie'. She doesn't refer to 'daughters' as daughters, but as 'sweetie's'. Its awesome. At four-years-old, she is very excited to share a room...I am hoping that it lasts a bit longer!
We are a week away from having a baby and I'm amazed that time has gone by so quickly. I will soon be signing off of some social media due to the nature of the adoption, but will hopefully keep up the blog!
Thank you for your prayers!
Our garage was overfilling with items and as we tallied up, the total was over $2,200!! God is so awesome and we feel so blessed that so many of you had us in your prayers, came to support and buy some goods and dropped items off. Because the garage is still pretty full, we are contemplating doing another last bit this Thursday and Friday. A few of the families didn't even have time to drop off their things, and so we still have over 11 tables, a solid oak table and chair set, futon bunk bed, an old school antique couch, among other things. Our family needed a rest and some time to be away, and we were so blessed to go up to Lake of the Woods last weekend with our neighbors. It was beautiful, I will need to post some pictures!
The last couple weekends we had an emotional roller coaster, where in the end, we feel that God has stretched us beyond words and has increased our faith and trust in Him. I was very convicted of not trusting in Him and being so full of fear that things might fall through, or that I will have to come home and try again to explain to two very excited bigger siblings why it just didn't happen. I am confident moving forward with this mom, but life is messy. Adoption usually never stems from a great situation and there are people involved that are just outside of my control. So, we called on the saints for prayer and really feel encouraged with what He has done.
Lately, I have been reading Charlotte's Web to the kids, and I want to savor these times. I get so busy that I forget to just be quiet and let them tell me everything that is on their hearts. Tonight, Carter and I were talking about the changes that will be taking place here and asked if he had any questions. His most pressing question about the baby was this, "Can we teach her to do back flips off the diving board with me?" I said yes, maybe when she is 7 or 10 or something. He replied with, "Yeah, or maybe when she's 20." Yes, maybe.
Graycie has been so excited too, although she's not wondering about back flips. She wants to help feed and love on our little 'sweetie'. She doesn't refer to 'daughters' as daughters, but as 'sweetie's'. Its awesome. At four-years-old, she is very excited to share a room...I am hoping that it lasts a bit longer!
We are a week away from having a baby and I'm amazed that time has gone by so quickly. I will soon be signing off of some social media due to the nature of the adoption, but will hopefully keep up the blog!
Thank you for your prayers!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Adoption Fundraising Rummage Sale!
So, as many of you know, we are having our rummage sale this week. We are absolutely astounded at the response we received. So many of you have dropped things off, arranged to have things dropped off and many of you did this completely anonymously!
My friend Lindsay came over and looked at the amount of things donated as she sat and stared at our garage and simply said, "I see God". We agree. His provision has been so amazing and encouraging and the fact that He has used so many of you to accomplish His purpose is amazing. The last couple weeks I have been running around trying to get all of these things done, and this morning I am reminded that really without Him working through this, none of this would have happened. It's funny how we lack faith and don't trust that He has what is best for us in mind.
When we lost Zion in Memphis, my heart broke. I felt like it shouldn't, because a lot of people said, "You have two healthy children, be grateful." I know it's true, I do have to healthy, beautiful, soft-hearted, sweet children, but a child doesn't replace a child. It was a unique sense of loss and then guilt for feeling like I shouldn't be mourning because I have a couple other children was downright confusing. I knew something more was to happen. Since we came back, it seems like everything has been harder. Sometimes it just feels like we are treading water. It only occurs to me that I am trying to do life alone, when I feel like I'm about to drown. I have been broken, loved, encouraged, sad, happy, emotional, weepy and numb and my response to His generosity isn't always gracious.
I want to thank so many of you for your love, prayers and encouragement. I was going to be as reserved as possible regarding our new birth mother and situation because I didn't want the public heartbreak we had last time. It seems it's easier to mourn when no one knows than to be repeatedly faced with the fact that we've experienced a public loss. People don't know what to say and most of the time and don't say much because it's sort of awkward. People think in order to speak into a situation, they must first have gone through it. When we see something that we haven't experienced, many times, we say nothing. Silence is ok sometimes too. It's just sort of nice to sit silent with someone.
When we live in private loss, it's easy to give our 'public self' to others that says, "I'm great, I'm awesome, I'm not phased by this!" The reality, is that I've had to repent of my desire to control my feelings so that my 'public self' can maintain in the midst of confusion. I've been faced with the sin in my life that wants to look put together, when inside I'm falling apart. Matt Chandler coined the phrase, "It's ok not to be ok, it's just not ok to stay there." I think the last few months have been up and down, but I think we are finally coming out of "there".
Some of the things that have mattered so much to me have been a friend, Missy, showing up to my house to buy groceries for us--I sent her off with my coupons, a list and some cash. She doesn't have kids, but apparently realized that shopping with a 4 & 5-year-old isn't exactly enjoyable. Another friend, Nate, comes to haul furniture in and out of our garage as we try for the sale and then tells us to go to bed as Zach finishes our dishes. It's nothing huge, but the burden is lightened and we live in community who cares. My friend Joni has come repeatedly, with chicken nuggets, fries and fruit for the kids as we sort...and sort...and sort through the cloths in the garage! It's such a blessing and I have been so encouraged and humbled by others desire to serve.
So...about this baby girl: the due date is August 8th, however, predictions are looking like she will come around July 23. She's in Georgia and we will all go down--we're not sure if we can all fly or if the kids and I will drive, but we will all be there. Leaving the kids last time was so hard and we feel like they need to play a bigger role in ushering in the newest Iverson. We'll be staying somewhere around Savannah, Ga. We don't really know yet, because we can't exactly plan when we will be there. Tickets, rental cars, drive throughs and sleepless nights await and we are excited. We will keep people posted on what's happening, because I feel like everyone around us has played such a huge role in the adoption, it would only seem right to let you know what's up. Some things can't be public, in the interest of the child, closed/open adoption, etc.
But, you can at least have a part of this journey with us. In the meantime...(a shameless plug, I know)...come and shop!!! I'll try and post some pictures of what we have, but there is so much and we want it all to go:)
My friend Lindsay came over and looked at the amount of things donated as she sat and stared at our garage and simply said, "I see God". We agree. His provision has been so amazing and encouraging and the fact that He has used so many of you to accomplish His purpose is amazing. The last couple weeks I have been running around trying to get all of these things done, and this morning I am reminded that really without Him working through this, none of this would have happened. It's funny how we lack faith and don't trust that He has what is best for us in mind.
When we lost Zion in Memphis, my heart broke. I felt like it shouldn't, because a lot of people said, "You have two healthy children, be grateful." I know it's true, I do have to healthy, beautiful, soft-hearted, sweet children, but a child doesn't replace a child. It was a unique sense of loss and then guilt for feeling like I shouldn't be mourning because I have a couple other children was downright confusing. I knew something more was to happen. Since we came back, it seems like everything has been harder. Sometimes it just feels like we are treading water. It only occurs to me that I am trying to do life alone, when I feel like I'm about to drown. I have been broken, loved, encouraged, sad, happy, emotional, weepy and numb and my response to His generosity isn't always gracious.
I want to thank so many of you for your love, prayers and encouragement. I was going to be as reserved as possible regarding our new birth mother and situation because I didn't want the public heartbreak we had last time. It seems it's easier to mourn when no one knows than to be repeatedly faced with the fact that we've experienced a public loss. People don't know what to say and most of the time and don't say much because it's sort of awkward. People think in order to speak into a situation, they must first have gone through it. When we see something that we haven't experienced, many times, we say nothing. Silence is ok sometimes too. It's just sort of nice to sit silent with someone.
When we live in private loss, it's easy to give our 'public self' to others that says, "I'm great, I'm awesome, I'm not phased by this!" The reality, is that I've had to repent of my desire to control my feelings so that my 'public self' can maintain in the midst of confusion. I've been faced with the sin in my life that wants to look put together, when inside I'm falling apart. Matt Chandler coined the phrase, "It's ok not to be ok, it's just not ok to stay there." I think the last few months have been up and down, but I think we are finally coming out of "there".
Some of the things that have mattered so much to me have been a friend, Missy, showing up to my house to buy groceries for us--I sent her off with my coupons, a list and some cash. She doesn't have kids, but apparently realized that shopping with a 4 & 5-year-old isn't exactly enjoyable. Another friend, Nate, comes to haul furniture in and out of our garage as we try for the sale and then tells us to go to bed as Zach finishes our dishes. It's nothing huge, but the burden is lightened and we live in community who cares. My friend Joni has come repeatedly, with chicken nuggets, fries and fruit for the kids as we sort...and sort...and sort through the cloths in the garage! It's such a blessing and I have been so encouraged and humbled by others desire to serve.
So...about this baby girl: the due date is August 8th, however, predictions are looking like she will come around July 23. She's in Georgia and we will all go down--we're not sure if we can all fly or if the kids and I will drive, but we will all be there. Leaving the kids last time was so hard and we feel like they need to play a bigger role in ushering in the newest Iverson. We'll be staying somewhere around Savannah, Ga. We don't really know yet, because we can't exactly plan when we will be there. Tickets, rental cars, drive throughs and sleepless nights await and we are excited. We will keep people posted on what's happening, because I feel like everyone around us has played such a huge role in the adoption, it would only seem right to let you know what's up. Some things can't be public, in the interest of the child, closed/open adoption, etc.
But, you can at least have a part of this journey with us. In the meantime...(a shameless plug, I know)...come and shop!!! I'll try and post some pictures of what we have, but there is so much and we want it all to go:)
Monday, May 30, 2011
Looking forward to some sun!
So, now that we have been home for over a month post-Memphis, much has happened. Nothing really dramatic or crazy, really just life. As soon as we returned the kids were pretty confused as to why we didn't bring their brother home. As soon as we picked them up, I just wanted to hold them and not let them go. There is something so healing about just reading and cuddling with Carter and Graycie.
When they asked where their brother Zion was, our explanation was just that their sibling wasn't ready to come home with us yet. I was cuddling with Carter before bed last week and he asked again why the baby didn't get to come home. I simply told him that when we left, we thought Zion was an orphan. When we got there and everything happened, we found out that he wasn't an orphan and still had a mom who was going to raise him. Carter started to cry, and then so did I. But, shortly after he also asked why he didn't get to play Wii that day and seemed to be quite emotional over that as well, but sometimes even kids just need a good cry.
Children are so sweet. It's hard to figure out what is age specific for them, without shielding them from seemingly difficult truths. I know this experience will shape them and their views and as we all grow as a family.
Many people have asked us if we are still pursuing adoption. Yes. This was devastating, but it isn't the end. There is no other reason, than self-protection, not to pursue it. We have been matched with another birth mother and are excited.
We are so blessed and feel like counting the blessings and thanking the Lord just isn't enough. So, as we wait for the next step, we are certainly not just watching the clock. Life is happening fast and it's great.
Our first year of 'homeschooling' Pre-K is done and we're moving on to kindergarten for Carter. He gets just a little fussy with me every now and again, but overall I am very proud of how he is willing to learn from his mom. Carter is most excited for T-ball and football to start, which is exciting for the whole family.
Graycie will be four this July as well, and she is so excited for a birthday party! She's very interested in dressing herself, multiple times a day and giving her opinion on just about anything. Our family will be gardening with friends and family for the first time ever, so I can't stinking wait for some fresh food! Graycie has staked her claim in the front yard's old flower bed as her personal garden, so this should be fun:)
Thanks for your prayers and love and know that we are so grateful and blessed and looking forward to whatever God will be doing in the days and months to come as He wills.
When they asked where their brother Zion was, our explanation was just that their sibling wasn't ready to come home with us yet. I was cuddling with Carter before bed last week and he asked again why the baby didn't get to come home. I simply told him that when we left, we thought Zion was an orphan. When we got there and everything happened, we found out that he wasn't an orphan and still had a mom who was going to raise him. Carter started to cry, and then so did I. But, shortly after he also asked why he didn't get to play Wii that day and seemed to be quite emotional over that as well, but sometimes even kids just need a good cry.
Children are so sweet. It's hard to figure out what is age specific for them, without shielding them from seemingly difficult truths. I know this experience will shape them and their views and as we all grow as a family.
Many people have asked us if we are still pursuing adoption. Yes. This was devastating, but it isn't the end. There is no other reason, than self-protection, not to pursue it. We have been matched with another birth mother and are excited.
We are so blessed and feel like counting the blessings and thanking the Lord just isn't enough. So, as we wait for the next step, we are certainly not just watching the clock. Life is happening fast and it's great.
Our first year of 'homeschooling' Pre-K is done and we're moving on to kindergarten for Carter. He gets just a little fussy with me every now and again, but overall I am very proud of how he is willing to learn from his mom. Carter is most excited for T-ball and football to start, which is exciting for the whole family.
Graycie will be four this July as well, and she is so excited for a birthday party! She's very interested in dressing herself, multiple times a day and giving her opinion on just about anything. Our family will be gardening with friends and family for the first time ever, so I can't stinking wait for some fresh food! Graycie has staked her claim in the front yard's old flower bed as her personal garden, so this should be fun:)
Thanks for your prayers and love and know that we are so grateful and blessed and looking forward to whatever God will be doing in the days and months to come as He wills.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Beautiful Feet
Well, it's been about a week and a half since the last blog. I don't blog frequently, but because so much has happened and there are so many things that have updated since our last post, I thought I should post again.
James and I stayed in Memphis for the week after Camille chose to parent her youngest child. It was a week of ups and downs to say the least. A time away was good in a lot of ways: we were stripped of the distractions at home that keep us from processing what exactly happened; we had no one to really talk to but each other; and there wasn't much we felt like doing, so we were forced to see areas of weakness in our lives and the implications that would have coming home to our two beautiful children.
The time away wasn't so awesome because we found ourselves somewhat isolating from those who care so much for us. It's easy to give someone space...especially when they specifically say, "We need space!" What we didn't need to do, was try and carry the burden alone. In some ways, we didn't let others in to help process because we ourselves didn't exactly know how to process.
So, the bitter seems to always come with sweet. Early last week, my sister told me of a family with three children. When they adopted their youngest, the birth mother took the child back. In three days, she contacted the family and said she just couldn't parent this baby because he was up all night and she decided she couldn't do it. This mom mentioned to my sister she would pray that our little Zion would cry all night long, if that be God's will. Camille had asked a couple times if we would be willing to move forward with the adoption if it was too hard, maybe after a month or so. We didn't plan that it would go down like that, but we just didn't know what to expect.
As the week progressed and we tried to pray and read and press in to the Lord, it was difficult not to just go numb and pass time sight-seeing. It felt like eternity to be away from our children who we just wanted to hug and kiss and hold. Camille expressed an interest to visit with us to the social worker last Wednesday. We had some scheduling issues with cars and rides, but agreed that Friday at 4 p.m. would work.
I had no idea what to expect from this meeting. James wrote a letter explaining the gospel and we bought her an ESV, as we knew she only had a bible with the Gospels in it. We waited about 40 minutes at a restaurant and sipped on some sweet tea. We were both sort of nervous and curious as to what the meeting would bring.
When she arrived, she brought a gift. I think we were all so nervous and somewhat emotional--I know I got teary! We gave her our gift and explained why it was important to us that she had it. She handed me the little gift bag. Inside it was a bracelet that had the the initials of the baby (the name she named him) and a little charm of a boy and a tiny rock that said "faith". She said it was a gift to her from her sister, to remember him by when they thought she would be saying goodbye forever. She decided, now that he was staying with her, it would mean more to me to remember him. I was honored, but my heart hurt and I tried not to cry. It was such a bitter sweet feeling of loss and thoughtfulness.
I nervously asked how he slept at night, maybe hoping a little that he cried. "Like a rock," she said. "He sleeps all day and all night." She proceeded to say that her kids would run in and out of the room and he wouldn't even wake up. Inwardly, I was jealous. There were conflicting feelings I experienced and I didn't really know what to say. I was happy we got to speak into her life and love on her. Maybe this meeting and experience would change the course of her life. Maybe she will toss the bible behind a bed and stumble upon it later. Maybe not, I just don't know. The human side of me was hurting and knew that we would not be going home with this baby. Not now, and probably not ever. We chatted about kids, family and our lives for about an hour.
She's beautiful. It wasn't a surprise, he was beautiful. It was good for us to meet. I felt like it gave us closure and allowed us to move past and trust that God was not surprised by any of it. We know he is good. He is faithful. He keeps his promises.
A lot of people who care for us were mad at her. Mad that we flew all the way down, did what we did, and came home "empty handed." I don't know that I was ever mad. I think that in God's graciousness, he protected me from thinking I went down deserving something. Right before we left, a couple guys from our missional community from church came and prayed over us. One of them said something to the effect of, "bless James and Melanie, even though they haven't earned it, can't earn it and don't deserve it." I agree. On my best day, when I get up early, pray, read, treat my kids well, use a park swing set as a mission tool to connect with my neighbors, treat my husband well and go to bed being the best I have ever been, I am still not worthy of the Lord's kindness. I am undeserving to a holy God, yet he still gives. And he takes away.
There is a lot I will be doing different as we move forward, though. As we were questioned about new birth moms and situations, I found that I questioned everything. Everything in our last situation that seemed good, wasn't necessarily. I asked our social worker GCAA if there was a formula to a birth mom who will do what the plan was. There isn't. There are not guarantees and no promises when dealing with human life.
One translation of Zion means, "the promise (land) to come". Zion wasn't ours to take home; he never was. It doesn't mean that this didn't hurt, because it did. However, I do trust that there is a promise to come. God is faithful and keeps his promises. He keeps his covenants with a broken people even when He doesn't have to.
I love Isaiah 52:7-8 which says,
(7)"How beautiful upon the mountains
are the feet of him who brings good news,
who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness,
who publishes salvation,
who says to Zion, '"Your God reigns."'
(8) The voice of your watchmen--they lift
up their voice;
together they sing for joy;
for eye to eye they see
the return of the Lord to Zion."
We rest in the fact that our God reigns and this chapter has now closed. I may unintentionally burst into tears at inappropriate places, but I am grateful that the Lord has used this to strengthen us, challenge us and lead us to Him. My hope is that in this situation, the Lord would allow us to walk away with beautiful feet.
Thank you all for your prayers, your encouragement and being with us as we go through God's story together. This would not have gone down without the Lord leading us each step of the way.
Blessings,
Melanie & James
P.s. I listened to Lecrae a good part of the time while running outside in Memphis. I need to give a shout out to Lecrae's "Beautiful Feet" on this one...check out the song on YouTube if you like a little rap with a lot of meaning:)
James and I stayed in Memphis for the week after Camille chose to parent her youngest child. It was a week of ups and downs to say the least. A time away was good in a lot of ways: we were stripped of the distractions at home that keep us from processing what exactly happened; we had no one to really talk to but each other; and there wasn't much we felt like doing, so we were forced to see areas of weakness in our lives and the implications that would have coming home to our two beautiful children.
The time away wasn't so awesome because we found ourselves somewhat isolating from those who care so much for us. It's easy to give someone space...especially when they specifically say, "We need space!" What we didn't need to do, was try and carry the burden alone. In some ways, we didn't let others in to help process because we ourselves didn't exactly know how to process.
So, the bitter seems to always come with sweet. Early last week, my sister told me of a family with three children. When they adopted their youngest, the birth mother took the child back. In three days, she contacted the family and said she just couldn't parent this baby because he was up all night and she decided she couldn't do it. This mom mentioned to my sister she would pray that our little Zion would cry all night long, if that be God's will. Camille had asked a couple times if we would be willing to move forward with the adoption if it was too hard, maybe after a month or so. We didn't plan that it would go down like that, but we just didn't know what to expect.
As the week progressed and we tried to pray and read and press in to the Lord, it was difficult not to just go numb and pass time sight-seeing. It felt like eternity to be away from our children who we just wanted to hug and kiss and hold. Camille expressed an interest to visit with us to the social worker last Wednesday. We had some scheduling issues with cars and rides, but agreed that Friday at 4 p.m. would work.
I had no idea what to expect from this meeting. James wrote a letter explaining the gospel and we bought her an ESV, as we knew she only had a bible with the Gospels in it. We waited about 40 minutes at a restaurant and sipped on some sweet tea. We were both sort of nervous and curious as to what the meeting would bring.
When she arrived, she brought a gift. I think we were all so nervous and somewhat emotional--I know I got teary! We gave her our gift and explained why it was important to us that she had it. She handed me the little gift bag. Inside it was a bracelet that had the the initials of the baby (the name she named him) and a little charm of a boy and a tiny rock that said "faith". She said it was a gift to her from her sister, to remember him by when they thought she would be saying goodbye forever. She decided, now that he was staying with her, it would mean more to me to remember him. I was honored, but my heart hurt and I tried not to cry. It was such a bitter sweet feeling of loss and thoughtfulness.
I nervously asked how he slept at night, maybe hoping a little that he cried. "Like a rock," she said. "He sleeps all day and all night." She proceeded to say that her kids would run in and out of the room and he wouldn't even wake up. Inwardly, I was jealous. There were conflicting feelings I experienced and I didn't really know what to say. I was happy we got to speak into her life and love on her. Maybe this meeting and experience would change the course of her life. Maybe she will toss the bible behind a bed and stumble upon it later. Maybe not, I just don't know. The human side of me was hurting and knew that we would not be going home with this baby. Not now, and probably not ever. We chatted about kids, family and our lives for about an hour.
She's beautiful. It wasn't a surprise, he was beautiful. It was good for us to meet. I felt like it gave us closure and allowed us to move past and trust that God was not surprised by any of it. We know he is good. He is faithful. He keeps his promises.
A lot of people who care for us were mad at her. Mad that we flew all the way down, did what we did, and came home "empty handed." I don't know that I was ever mad. I think that in God's graciousness, he protected me from thinking I went down deserving something. Right before we left, a couple guys from our missional community from church came and prayed over us. One of them said something to the effect of, "bless James and Melanie, even though they haven't earned it, can't earn it and don't deserve it." I agree. On my best day, when I get up early, pray, read, treat my kids well, use a park swing set as a mission tool to connect with my neighbors, treat my husband well and go to bed being the best I have ever been, I am still not worthy of the Lord's kindness. I am undeserving to a holy God, yet he still gives. And he takes away.
There is a lot I will be doing different as we move forward, though. As we were questioned about new birth moms and situations, I found that I questioned everything. Everything in our last situation that seemed good, wasn't necessarily. I asked our social worker GCAA if there was a formula to a birth mom who will do what the plan was. There isn't. There are not guarantees and no promises when dealing with human life.
One translation of Zion means, "the promise (land) to come". Zion wasn't ours to take home; he never was. It doesn't mean that this didn't hurt, because it did. However, I do trust that there is a promise to come. God is faithful and keeps his promises. He keeps his covenants with a broken people even when He doesn't have to.
I love Isaiah 52:7-8 which says,
(7)"How beautiful upon the mountains
are the feet of him who brings good news,
who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness,
who publishes salvation,
who says to Zion, '"Your God reigns."'
(8) The voice of your watchmen--they lift
up their voice;
together they sing for joy;
for eye to eye they see
the return of the Lord to Zion."
We rest in the fact that our God reigns and this chapter has now closed. I may unintentionally burst into tears at inappropriate places, but I am grateful that the Lord has used this to strengthen us, challenge us and lead us to Him. My hope is that in this situation, the Lord would allow us to walk away with beautiful feet.
Thank you all for your prayers, your encouragement and being with us as we go through God's story together. This would not have gone down without the Lord leading us each step of the way.
Blessings,
Melanie & James
P.s. I listened to Lecrae a good part of the time while running outside in Memphis. I need to give a shout out to Lecrae's "Beautiful Feet" on this one...check out the song on YouTube if you like a little rap with a lot of meaning:)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Letters to Camille
So, I stopped blogging once we started getting closer to the date of adoption because of some of the uncertainties that were to follow. Sometimes, I am overcome with self preservation for fear of what others think or pride and not knowing the right things to say. I think I have felt somewhat unworthy of this road that God has put us on because we are so stinking blessed and we don't deserve one ounce of that.
After we found out that our birth mother, Camille, had chosen us to adopt her son, I started writing letters to her. Because of the confidentiality I couldn't send anything, so I started a journal dated back to February 14, 2011, the Monday her choice was final with us. I would write to her about her, about me and our family and I would pray with her on paper. I often write my own prayers down on paper and thought I'd just include her in the dialogue. In the letters, I told her that we wanted to meet her and that we wanted to love on her and ultimately that we as a family were praying for an opportunity to share the gospel with her, as she has suffered significant loss in her young life and doesn't really have any sort of support.
We were blessed through generosity of many of you who are reading this, to be able to go through so quickly with this adoption. We felt that God was almost pushing us here because of the providence and provision. I would joke with James that we have just been standing on Mt. Moriah for the last 9 months and he has provided every stinking thing we needed.
Well, I found out a few weeks into writing the letters, that Camille had no intention of meeting us and really didn't want any sort of relationship. I respect that as a mother and a human. Each person grieves differently and she was offering us the most precious gift: a human life. She chose not to take that life, but rather to nurture it, keep it and give it; I would argue the hardest choice a mother would ever have to make. I quit writing after that because it sort of hurt me to write to this girl who would never read these letters.
In 'Fields of the Fatherless' by Tom Davis, one woman says this, "There is a price to pay for being obedient to God's call to care for the fatherless. The price your heart. The heart that was once mine, no longer belongs to me." As a believer and follower of Christ, I believe that we are called to take care of the widows, the orphans and the strangers. Our adoption has not been some sort of feel good humanitarian mission so we can 'save a child' from the projects or from poverty. We feel that this is a mandate our faith has placed on us. Yes, we want more children. Yes, this has become the desire of our heart, but we feel this was placed here by our King, our Creator.
I need to qualify this quickly. I do not think that you have to adopt a child to be obedient to the calling. My friend Michelle says that "if you're not going, you should be sending", meaning that we can help others to adopt financially, by encouragement, or any other way. Other ways I think we can follow the call to the widows, orphans and strangers are: help the single mom by babysitting her kids so she can go grocery shopping without screaming little ones, love on those widows who are lonely and sad, or maybe treating strangers, sojourners and homeless like they have souls, rather than those gross people who should shower and not ruin your dining experience by standing in front of the posh restaurant. As a family, we felt that this is how we can be obedient to the calling of the Lord that was already placed upon our hearts.
So, I started using the notebook for my own notes, and brought it with to Memphis as my personal journal to keep writing in. Our birth mom, Camille, had this beautiful baby boy at 8:26 a.m. April 8, 2011. He weighed 6 lbs 8 oz and was 19.5 inches long. If you saw the pictures, you saw that he was perfect with a full head of thick hair.
We were prepared to take him home as ours, love on him, and introduce him to his new brother and sister who were awaiting his arrival. We were able to see him for 2 hours on Friday and we sang to him, cried over him and loved him. We were asked not to return to the hospital until some of Camille's family were gone. The next morning, he hadn't eaten. Had he eaten, he would have been discharged into our care. But instead, he stayed and Camille wanted to see him. You probably saw the pictures, wouldn't you want to see him again? He ended up staying with her for the remainder of the day and as the day passed, she could not bear to give him to someone else.
She wanted to bring him home and introduce him to his brother and sister, awaiting their mommy's return. We received the official call last night over supper. We stood outside a Mexican restaurant in southwest Memphis while Camille cried into the phone and apologized for wasting our time. We had been praying for an opportunity to share the gospel with this girl, we just didn't realize this was how it was going to happen. I held the phone and bawled, while James talked. He shared with her that we weren't mad and that she is not a waste of our time.
James told her why we cared, that we were adopted into Christ's family. That Jesus is the perfect older brother who sacrificed so that we could be co-heirs with Him. He shared with her how we know that even though this baby will not be ours, that we feel that it was God's divine providence that brought us there to her and that we would always have this bond. He let her know that she is a part of the Lord's redeeming story and that because Jesus loves her, she can find freedom in his finished work on the cross.
We said our goodbyes and went back inside. I walked to the bathroom and sat in a stall and bawled while James braved the seats in the well lit restaurant. We were both pretty tired and spent a lot of the night re-capping God's story that we are just a part of. We do not feel wronged or forsaken. This isn't about us, it's about the fact that we have a redeemer and we know that this was not an adoption story gone bad. My other friend Michelle texted me last night and said to "cry on His shoulder, and lay at His feet." So, we weep. We mourn. We rejoice.
I took out the notebook last night and ripped out my to do lists, my notes and markings that wouldn't make sense and started another letter to Camille. We gave her our blessing, not that she needed it. I feel that it is Christ within me to press on and let it go. We went to church this morning with our social worker and were so blessed. This A29 church has an adoption ministry and our social worker was able to connect with them and also to go and be fed herself.
We bought the Storybook bible for Camille's other two children and sent it off with a blankie and the notebook of the letters to Camille. She called while we were eating to thank us. "It's not us," James said, "it's Him."
So, we are sitting in the hotel room, without much more to say right now. Crying a little, laughing a little and recognizing that we are at this point, just part of His story.
After we found out that our birth mother, Camille, had chosen us to adopt her son, I started writing letters to her. Because of the confidentiality I couldn't send anything, so I started a journal dated back to February 14, 2011, the Monday her choice was final with us. I would write to her about her, about me and our family and I would pray with her on paper. I often write my own prayers down on paper and thought I'd just include her in the dialogue. In the letters, I told her that we wanted to meet her and that we wanted to love on her and ultimately that we as a family were praying for an opportunity to share the gospel with her, as she has suffered significant loss in her young life and doesn't really have any sort of support.
We were blessed through generosity of many of you who are reading this, to be able to go through so quickly with this adoption. We felt that God was almost pushing us here because of the providence and provision. I would joke with James that we have just been standing on Mt. Moriah for the last 9 months and he has provided every stinking thing we needed.
Well, I found out a few weeks into writing the letters, that Camille had no intention of meeting us and really didn't want any sort of relationship. I respect that as a mother and a human. Each person grieves differently and she was offering us the most precious gift: a human life. She chose not to take that life, but rather to nurture it, keep it and give it; I would argue the hardest choice a mother would ever have to make. I quit writing after that because it sort of hurt me to write to this girl who would never read these letters.
In 'Fields of the Fatherless' by Tom Davis, one woman says this, "There is a price to pay for being obedient to God's call to care for the fatherless. The price your heart. The heart that was once mine, no longer belongs to me." As a believer and follower of Christ, I believe that we are called to take care of the widows, the orphans and the strangers. Our adoption has not been some sort of feel good humanitarian mission so we can 'save a child' from the projects or from poverty. We feel that this is a mandate our faith has placed on us. Yes, we want more children. Yes, this has become the desire of our heart, but we feel this was placed here by our King, our Creator.
I need to qualify this quickly. I do not think that you have to adopt a child to be obedient to the calling. My friend Michelle says that "if you're not going, you should be sending", meaning that we can help others to adopt financially, by encouragement, or any other way. Other ways I think we can follow the call to the widows, orphans and strangers are: help the single mom by babysitting her kids so she can go grocery shopping without screaming little ones, love on those widows who are lonely and sad, or maybe treating strangers, sojourners and homeless like they have souls, rather than those gross people who should shower and not ruin your dining experience by standing in front of the posh restaurant. As a family, we felt that this is how we can be obedient to the calling of the Lord that was already placed upon our hearts.
So, I started using the notebook for my own notes, and brought it with to Memphis as my personal journal to keep writing in. Our birth mom, Camille, had this beautiful baby boy at 8:26 a.m. April 8, 2011. He weighed 6 lbs 8 oz and was 19.5 inches long. If you saw the pictures, you saw that he was perfect with a full head of thick hair.
We were prepared to take him home as ours, love on him, and introduce him to his new brother and sister who were awaiting his arrival. We were able to see him for 2 hours on Friday and we sang to him, cried over him and loved him. We were asked not to return to the hospital until some of Camille's family were gone. The next morning, he hadn't eaten. Had he eaten, he would have been discharged into our care. But instead, he stayed and Camille wanted to see him. You probably saw the pictures, wouldn't you want to see him again? He ended up staying with her for the remainder of the day and as the day passed, she could not bear to give him to someone else.
She wanted to bring him home and introduce him to his brother and sister, awaiting their mommy's return. We received the official call last night over supper. We stood outside a Mexican restaurant in southwest Memphis while Camille cried into the phone and apologized for wasting our time. We had been praying for an opportunity to share the gospel with this girl, we just didn't realize this was how it was going to happen. I held the phone and bawled, while James talked. He shared with her that we weren't mad and that she is not a waste of our time.
James told her why we cared, that we were adopted into Christ's family. That Jesus is the perfect older brother who sacrificed so that we could be co-heirs with Him. He shared with her how we know that even though this baby will not be ours, that we feel that it was God's divine providence that brought us there to her and that we would always have this bond. He let her know that she is a part of the Lord's redeeming story and that because Jesus loves her, she can find freedom in his finished work on the cross.
We said our goodbyes and went back inside. I walked to the bathroom and sat in a stall and bawled while James braved the seats in the well lit restaurant. We were both pretty tired and spent a lot of the night re-capping God's story that we are just a part of. We do not feel wronged or forsaken. This isn't about us, it's about the fact that we have a redeemer and we know that this was not an adoption story gone bad. My other friend Michelle texted me last night and said to "cry on His shoulder, and lay at His feet." So, we weep. We mourn. We rejoice.
I took out the notebook last night and ripped out my to do lists, my notes and markings that wouldn't make sense and started another letter to Camille. We gave her our blessing, not that she needed it. I feel that it is Christ within me to press on and let it go. We went to church this morning with our social worker and were so blessed. This A29 church has an adoption ministry and our social worker was able to connect with them and also to go and be fed herself.
We bought the Storybook bible for Camille's other two children and sent it off with a blankie and the notebook of the letters to Camille. She called while we were eating to thank us. "It's not us," James said, "it's Him."
So, we are sitting in the hotel room, without much more to say right now. Crying a little, laughing a little and recognizing that we are at this point, just part of His story.
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