Beautiful Feet

Well, it's been about a week and a half since the last blog. I don't blog frequently, but because so much has happened and there are so many things that have updated since our last post, I thought I should post again.

James and I stayed in Memphis for the week after Camille chose to parent her youngest child. It was a week of ups and downs to say the least. A time away was good in a lot of ways: we were stripped of the distractions at home that keep us from processing what exactly happened; we had no one to really talk to but each other; and there wasn't much we felt like doing, so we were forced to see areas of weakness in our lives and the implications that would have coming home to our two beautiful children.

The time away wasn't so awesome because we found ourselves somewhat isolating from those who care so much for us. It's easy to give someone space...especially when they specifically say, "We need space!" What we didn't need to do, was try and carry the burden alone. In some ways, we didn't let others in to help process because we ourselves didn't exactly know how to process.

So, the bitter seems to always come with sweet. Early last week, my sister told me of a family with three children. When they adopted their youngest, the birth mother took the child back. In three days, she contacted the family and said she just couldn't parent this baby because he was up all night and she decided she couldn't do it. This mom mentioned to my sister she would pray that our little Zion would cry all night long, if that be God's will. Camille had asked a couple times if we would be willing to move forward with the adoption if it was too hard, maybe after a month or so. We didn't plan that it would go down like that, but we just didn't know what to expect.

As the week progressed and we tried to pray and read and press in to the Lord, it was difficult not to just go numb and pass time sight-seeing. It felt like eternity to be away from our children who we just wanted to hug and kiss and hold. Camille expressed an interest to visit with us to the social worker last Wednesday. We had some scheduling issues with cars and rides, but agreed that Friday at 4 p.m. would work.

I had no idea what to expect from this meeting. James wrote a letter explaining the gospel and we bought her an ESV, as we knew she only had a bible with the Gospels in it. We waited about 40 minutes at a restaurant and sipped on some sweet tea. We were both sort of nervous and curious as to what the meeting would bring.

When she arrived, she brought a gift. I think we were all so nervous and somewhat emotional--I know I got teary! We gave her our gift and explained why it was important to us that she had it. She handed me the little gift bag. Inside it was a bracelet that had the the initials of the baby (the name she named him) and a little charm of a boy and a tiny rock that said "faith". She said it was a gift to her from her sister, to remember him by when they thought she would be saying goodbye forever. She decided, now that he was staying with her, it would mean more to me to remember him. I was honored, but my heart hurt and I tried not to cry. It was such a bitter sweet feeling of loss and thoughtfulness.

I nervously asked how he slept at night, maybe hoping a little that he cried. "Like a rock," she said. "He sleeps all day and all night." She proceeded to say that her kids would run in and out of the room and he wouldn't even wake up. Inwardly, I was jealous. There were conflicting feelings I experienced and I didn't really know what to say. I was happy we got to speak into her life and love on her. Maybe this meeting and experience would change the course of her life. Maybe she will toss the bible behind a bed and stumble upon it later. Maybe not, I just don't know. The human side of me was hurting and knew that we would not be going home with this baby. Not now, and probably not ever. We chatted about kids, family and our lives for about an hour.

She's beautiful. It wasn't a surprise, he was beautiful. It was good for us to meet. I felt like it gave us closure and allowed us to move past and trust that God was not surprised by any of it. We know he is good. He is faithful. He keeps his promises.

A lot of people who care for us were mad at her. Mad that we flew all the way down, did what we did, and came home "empty handed." I don't know that I was ever mad. I think that in God's graciousness, he protected me from thinking I went down deserving something. Right before we left, a couple guys from our missional community from church came and prayed over us. One of them said something to the effect of, "bless James and Melanie, even though they haven't earned it, can't earn it and don't deserve it." I agree. On my best day, when I get up early, pray, read, treat my kids well, use a park swing set as a mission tool to connect with my neighbors, treat my husband well and go to bed being the best I have ever been, I am still not worthy of the Lord's kindness. I am undeserving to a holy God, yet he still gives. And he takes away.

There is a lot I will be doing different as we move forward, though. As we were questioned about new birth moms and situations, I found that I questioned everything. Everything in our last situation that seemed good, wasn't necessarily. I asked our social worker GCAA if there was a formula to a birth mom who will do what the plan was. There isn't. There are not guarantees and no promises when dealing with human life.

One translation of Zion means, "the promise (land) to come". Zion wasn't ours to take home; he never was. It doesn't mean that this didn't hurt, because it did. However, I do trust that there is a promise to come. God is faithful and keeps his promises. He keeps his covenants with a broken people even when He doesn't have to.

I love Isaiah 52:7-8 which says,

(7)"How beautiful upon the mountains
are the feet of him who brings good news,
who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness,
who publishes salvation,
who says to Zion, '"Your God reigns."'
(8) The voice of your watchmen--they lift
up their voice;
together they sing for joy;
for eye to eye they see
the return of the Lord to Zion."

We rest in the fact that our God reigns and this chapter has now closed. I may unintentionally burst into tears at inappropriate places, but I am grateful that the Lord has used this to strengthen us, challenge us and lead us to Him. My hope is that in this situation, the Lord would allow us to walk away with beautiful feet.

Thank you all for your prayers, your encouragement and being with us as we go through God's story together. This would not have gone down without the Lord leading us each step of the way.

Blessings,

Melanie & James

P.s. I listened to Lecrae a good part of the time while running outside in Memphis. I need to give a shout out to Lecrae's "Beautiful Feet" on this one...check out the song on YouTube if you like a little rap with a lot of meaning:)