I have had many ask and figured I could post a quick note:
James and I flew down to Georgia Tuesday, August 9th, to pick up a sweet baby girl. We flew back Sunday, August 14th, without a baby.
There was much that happened in those days and I can say that our hearts are grieved. At this time, we are taking a small break to heal and recoup and will post more information on our next steps after we have processed it entirely ourselves. I'd be lying if I said this didn't cause doubts in my own mind, as the emotions go from numbness, anger, grief, sadness and so on.
Thank you to all who have prayed and cared for us along this way. We believe in adoption and believe our family, Lord willing, will do so in the right timing.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
Melanie & James
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Blessings and Blessings
Well, as it turns out, the rummage sale was a HUGE undertaking when you have over 50 families and people donate things! We got rid of so much stuff, but I so feel the way the disciples must have felt after Jesus produced more than enough food for the 5,000 and still had left overs.
Our garage was overfilling with items and as we tallied up, the total was over $2,200!! God is so awesome and we feel so blessed that so many of you had us in your prayers, came to support and buy some goods and dropped items off. Because the garage is still pretty full, we are contemplating doing another last bit this Thursday and Friday. A few of the families didn't even have time to drop off their things, and so we still have over 11 tables, a solid oak table and chair set, futon bunk bed, an old school antique couch, among other things. Our family needed a rest and some time to be away, and we were so blessed to go up to Lake of the Woods last weekend with our neighbors. It was beautiful, I will need to post some pictures!
The last couple weekends we had an emotional roller coaster, where in the end, we feel that God has stretched us beyond words and has increased our faith and trust in Him. I was very convicted of not trusting in Him and being so full of fear that things might fall through, or that I will have to come home and try again to explain to two very excited bigger siblings why it just didn't happen. I am confident moving forward with this mom, but life is messy. Adoption usually never stems from a great situation and there are people involved that are just outside of my control. So, we called on the saints for prayer and really feel encouraged with what He has done.
Lately, I have been reading Charlotte's Web to the kids, and I want to savor these times. I get so busy that I forget to just be quiet and let them tell me everything that is on their hearts. Tonight, Carter and I were talking about the changes that will be taking place here and asked if he had any questions. His most pressing question about the baby was this, "Can we teach her to do back flips off the diving board with me?" I said yes, maybe when she is 7 or 10 or something. He replied with, "Yeah, or maybe when she's 20." Yes, maybe.
Graycie has been so excited too, although she's not wondering about back flips. She wants to help feed and love on our little 'sweetie'. She doesn't refer to 'daughters' as daughters, but as 'sweetie's'. Its awesome. At four-years-old, she is very excited to share a room...I am hoping that it lasts a bit longer!
We are a week away from having a baby and I'm amazed that time has gone by so quickly. I will soon be signing off of some social media due to the nature of the adoption, but will hopefully keep up the blog!
Thank you for your prayers!
Our garage was overfilling with items and as we tallied up, the total was over $2,200!! God is so awesome and we feel so blessed that so many of you had us in your prayers, came to support and buy some goods and dropped items off. Because the garage is still pretty full, we are contemplating doing another last bit this Thursday and Friday. A few of the families didn't even have time to drop off their things, and so we still have over 11 tables, a solid oak table and chair set, futon bunk bed, an old school antique couch, among other things. Our family needed a rest and some time to be away, and we were so blessed to go up to Lake of the Woods last weekend with our neighbors. It was beautiful, I will need to post some pictures!
The last couple weekends we had an emotional roller coaster, where in the end, we feel that God has stretched us beyond words and has increased our faith and trust in Him. I was very convicted of not trusting in Him and being so full of fear that things might fall through, or that I will have to come home and try again to explain to two very excited bigger siblings why it just didn't happen. I am confident moving forward with this mom, but life is messy. Adoption usually never stems from a great situation and there are people involved that are just outside of my control. So, we called on the saints for prayer and really feel encouraged with what He has done.
Lately, I have been reading Charlotte's Web to the kids, and I want to savor these times. I get so busy that I forget to just be quiet and let them tell me everything that is on their hearts. Tonight, Carter and I were talking about the changes that will be taking place here and asked if he had any questions. His most pressing question about the baby was this, "Can we teach her to do back flips off the diving board with me?" I said yes, maybe when she is 7 or 10 or something. He replied with, "Yeah, or maybe when she's 20." Yes, maybe.
Graycie has been so excited too, although she's not wondering about back flips. She wants to help feed and love on our little 'sweetie'. She doesn't refer to 'daughters' as daughters, but as 'sweetie's'. Its awesome. At four-years-old, she is very excited to share a room...I am hoping that it lasts a bit longer!
We are a week away from having a baby and I'm amazed that time has gone by so quickly. I will soon be signing off of some social media due to the nature of the adoption, but will hopefully keep up the blog!
Thank you for your prayers!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Adoption Fundraising Rummage Sale!
So, as many of you know, we are having our rummage sale this week. We are absolutely astounded at the response we received. So many of you have dropped things off, arranged to have things dropped off and many of you did this completely anonymously!
My friend Lindsay came over and looked at the amount of things donated as she sat and stared at our garage and simply said, "I see God". We agree. His provision has been so amazing and encouraging and the fact that He has used so many of you to accomplish His purpose is amazing. The last couple weeks I have been running around trying to get all of these things done, and this morning I am reminded that really without Him working through this, none of this would have happened. It's funny how we lack faith and don't trust that He has what is best for us in mind.
When we lost Zion in Memphis, my heart broke. I felt like it shouldn't, because a lot of people said, "You have two healthy children, be grateful." I know it's true, I do have to healthy, beautiful, soft-hearted, sweet children, but a child doesn't replace a child. It was a unique sense of loss and then guilt for feeling like I shouldn't be mourning because I have a couple other children was downright confusing. I knew something more was to happen. Since we came back, it seems like everything has been harder. Sometimes it just feels like we are treading water. It only occurs to me that I am trying to do life alone, when I feel like I'm about to drown. I have been broken, loved, encouraged, sad, happy, emotional, weepy and numb and my response to His generosity isn't always gracious.
I want to thank so many of you for your love, prayers and encouragement. I was going to be as reserved as possible regarding our new birth mother and situation because I didn't want the public heartbreak we had last time. It seems it's easier to mourn when no one knows than to be repeatedly faced with the fact that we've experienced a public loss. People don't know what to say and most of the time and don't say much because it's sort of awkward. People think in order to speak into a situation, they must first have gone through it. When we see something that we haven't experienced, many times, we say nothing. Silence is ok sometimes too. It's just sort of nice to sit silent with someone.
When we live in private loss, it's easy to give our 'public self' to others that says, "I'm great, I'm awesome, I'm not phased by this!" The reality, is that I've had to repent of my desire to control my feelings so that my 'public self' can maintain in the midst of confusion. I've been faced with the sin in my life that wants to look put together, when inside I'm falling apart. Matt Chandler coined the phrase, "It's ok not to be ok, it's just not ok to stay there." I think the last few months have been up and down, but I think we are finally coming out of "there".
Some of the things that have mattered so much to me have been a friend, Missy, showing up to my house to buy groceries for us--I sent her off with my coupons, a list and some cash. She doesn't have kids, but apparently realized that shopping with a 4 & 5-year-old isn't exactly enjoyable. Another friend, Nate, comes to haul furniture in and out of our garage as we try for the sale and then tells us to go to bed as Zach finishes our dishes. It's nothing huge, but the burden is lightened and we live in community who cares. My friend Joni has come repeatedly, with chicken nuggets, fries and fruit for the kids as we sort...and sort...and sort through the cloths in the garage! It's such a blessing and I have been so encouraged and humbled by others desire to serve.
So...about this baby girl: the due date is August 8th, however, predictions are looking like she will come around July 23. She's in Georgia and we will all go down--we're not sure if we can all fly or if the kids and I will drive, but we will all be there. Leaving the kids last time was so hard and we feel like they need to play a bigger role in ushering in the newest Iverson. We'll be staying somewhere around Savannah, Ga. We don't really know yet, because we can't exactly plan when we will be there. Tickets, rental cars, drive throughs and sleepless nights await and we are excited. We will keep people posted on what's happening, because I feel like everyone around us has played such a huge role in the adoption, it would only seem right to let you know what's up. Some things can't be public, in the interest of the child, closed/open adoption, etc.
But, you can at least have a part of this journey with us. In the meantime...(a shameless plug, I know)...come and shop!!! I'll try and post some pictures of what we have, but there is so much and we want it all to go:)
My friend Lindsay came over and looked at the amount of things donated as she sat and stared at our garage and simply said, "I see God". We agree. His provision has been so amazing and encouraging and the fact that He has used so many of you to accomplish His purpose is amazing. The last couple weeks I have been running around trying to get all of these things done, and this morning I am reminded that really without Him working through this, none of this would have happened. It's funny how we lack faith and don't trust that He has what is best for us in mind.
When we lost Zion in Memphis, my heart broke. I felt like it shouldn't, because a lot of people said, "You have two healthy children, be grateful." I know it's true, I do have to healthy, beautiful, soft-hearted, sweet children, but a child doesn't replace a child. It was a unique sense of loss and then guilt for feeling like I shouldn't be mourning because I have a couple other children was downright confusing. I knew something more was to happen. Since we came back, it seems like everything has been harder. Sometimes it just feels like we are treading water. It only occurs to me that I am trying to do life alone, when I feel like I'm about to drown. I have been broken, loved, encouraged, sad, happy, emotional, weepy and numb and my response to His generosity isn't always gracious.
I want to thank so many of you for your love, prayers and encouragement. I was going to be as reserved as possible regarding our new birth mother and situation because I didn't want the public heartbreak we had last time. It seems it's easier to mourn when no one knows than to be repeatedly faced with the fact that we've experienced a public loss. People don't know what to say and most of the time and don't say much because it's sort of awkward. People think in order to speak into a situation, they must first have gone through it. When we see something that we haven't experienced, many times, we say nothing. Silence is ok sometimes too. It's just sort of nice to sit silent with someone.
When we live in private loss, it's easy to give our 'public self' to others that says, "I'm great, I'm awesome, I'm not phased by this!" The reality, is that I've had to repent of my desire to control my feelings so that my 'public self' can maintain in the midst of confusion. I've been faced with the sin in my life that wants to look put together, when inside I'm falling apart. Matt Chandler coined the phrase, "It's ok not to be ok, it's just not ok to stay there." I think the last few months have been up and down, but I think we are finally coming out of "there".
Some of the things that have mattered so much to me have been a friend, Missy, showing up to my house to buy groceries for us--I sent her off with my coupons, a list and some cash. She doesn't have kids, but apparently realized that shopping with a 4 & 5-year-old isn't exactly enjoyable. Another friend, Nate, comes to haul furniture in and out of our garage as we try for the sale and then tells us to go to bed as Zach finishes our dishes. It's nothing huge, but the burden is lightened and we live in community who cares. My friend Joni has come repeatedly, with chicken nuggets, fries and fruit for the kids as we sort...and sort...and sort through the cloths in the garage! It's such a blessing and I have been so encouraged and humbled by others desire to serve.
So...about this baby girl: the due date is August 8th, however, predictions are looking like she will come around July 23. She's in Georgia and we will all go down--we're not sure if we can all fly or if the kids and I will drive, but we will all be there. Leaving the kids last time was so hard and we feel like they need to play a bigger role in ushering in the newest Iverson. We'll be staying somewhere around Savannah, Ga. We don't really know yet, because we can't exactly plan when we will be there. Tickets, rental cars, drive throughs and sleepless nights await and we are excited. We will keep people posted on what's happening, because I feel like everyone around us has played such a huge role in the adoption, it would only seem right to let you know what's up. Some things can't be public, in the interest of the child, closed/open adoption, etc.
But, you can at least have a part of this journey with us. In the meantime...(a shameless plug, I know)...come and shop!!! I'll try and post some pictures of what we have, but there is so much and we want it all to go:)
Monday, May 30, 2011
Looking forward to some sun!
So, now that we have been home for over a month post-Memphis, much has happened. Nothing really dramatic or crazy, really just life. As soon as we returned the kids were pretty confused as to why we didn't bring their brother home. As soon as we picked them up, I just wanted to hold them and not let them go. There is something so healing about just reading and cuddling with Carter and Graycie.
When they asked where their brother Zion was, our explanation was just that their sibling wasn't ready to come home with us yet. I was cuddling with Carter before bed last week and he asked again why the baby didn't get to come home. I simply told him that when we left, we thought Zion was an orphan. When we got there and everything happened, we found out that he wasn't an orphan and still had a mom who was going to raise him. Carter started to cry, and then so did I. But, shortly after he also asked why he didn't get to play Wii that day and seemed to be quite emotional over that as well, but sometimes even kids just need a good cry.
Children are so sweet. It's hard to figure out what is age specific for them, without shielding them from seemingly difficult truths. I know this experience will shape them and their views and as we all grow as a family.
Many people have asked us if we are still pursuing adoption. Yes. This was devastating, but it isn't the end. There is no other reason, than self-protection, not to pursue it. We have been matched with another birth mother and are excited.
We are so blessed and feel like counting the blessings and thanking the Lord just isn't enough. So, as we wait for the next step, we are certainly not just watching the clock. Life is happening fast and it's great.
Our first year of 'homeschooling' Pre-K is done and we're moving on to kindergarten for Carter. He gets just a little fussy with me every now and again, but overall I am very proud of how he is willing to learn from his mom. Carter is most excited for T-ball and football to start, which is exciting for the whole family.
Graycie will be four this July as well, and she is so excited for a birthday party! She's very interested in dressing herself, multiple times a day and giving her opinion on just about anything. Our family will be gardening with friends and family for the first time ever, so I can't stinking wait for some fresh food! Graycie has staked her claim in the front yard's old flower bed as her personal garden, so this should be fun:)
Thanks for your prayers and love and know that we are so grateful and blessed and looking forward to whatever God will be doing in the days and months to come as He wills.
When they asked where their brother Zion was, our explanation was just that their sibling wasn't ready to come home with us yet. I was cuddling with Carter before bed last week and he asked again why the baby didn't get to come home. I simply told him that when we left, we thought Zion was an orphan. When we got there and everything happened, we found out that he wasn't an orphan and still had a mom who was going to raise him. Carter started to cry, and then so did I. But, shortly after he also asked why he didn't get to play Wii that day and seemed to be quite emotional over that as well, but sometimes even kids just need a good cry.
Children are so sweet. It's hard to figure out what is age specific for them, without shielding them from seemingly difficult truths. I know this experience will shape them and their views and as we all grow as a family.
Many people have asked us if we are still pursuing adoption. Yes. This was devastating, but it isn't the end. There is no other reason, than self-protection, not to pursue it. We have been matched with another birth mother and are excited.
We are so blessed and feel like counting the blessings and thanking the Lord just isn't enough. So, as we wait for the next step, we are certainly not just watching the clock. Life is happening fast and it's great.
Our first year of 'homeschooling' Pre-K is done and we're moving on to kindergarten for Carter. He gets just a little fussy with me every now and again, but overall I am very proud of how he is willing to learn from his mom. Carter is most excited for T-ball and football to start, which is exciting for the whole family.
Graycie will be four this July as well, and she is so excited for a birthday party! She's very interested in dressing herself, multiple times a day and giving her opinion on just about anything. Our family will be gardening with friends and family for the first time ever, so I can't stinking wait for some fresh food! Graycie has staked her claim in the front yard's old flower bed as her personal garden, so this should be fun:)
Thanks for your prayers and love and know that we are so grateful and blessed and looking forward to whatever God will be doing in the days and months to come as He wills.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Beautiful Feet
Well, it's been about a week and a half since the last blog. I don't blog frequently, but because so much has happened and there are so many things that have updated since our last post, I thought I should post again.
James and I stayed in Memphis for the week after Camille chose to parent her youngest child. It was a week of ups and downs to say the least. A time away was good in a lot of ways: we were stripped of the distractions at home that keep us from processing what exactly happened; we had no one to really talk to but each other; and there wasn't much we felt like doing, so we were forced to see areas of weakness in our lives and the implications that would have coming home to our two beautiful children.
The time away wasn't so awesome because we found ourselves somewhat isolating from those who care so much for us. It's easy to give someone space...especially when they specifically say, "We need space!" What we didn't need to do, was try and carry the burden alone. In some ways, we didn't let others in to help process because we ourselves didn't exactly know how to process.
So, the bitter seems to always come with sweet. Early last week, my sister told me of a family with three children. When they adopted their youngest, the birth mother took the child back. In three days, she contacted the family and said she just couldn't parent this baby because he was up all night and she decided she couldn't do it. This mom mentioned to my sister she would pray that our little Zion would cry all night long, if that be God's will. Camille had asked a couple times if we would be willing to move forward with the adoption if it was too hard, maybe after a month or so. We didn't plan that it would go down like that, but we just didn't know what to expect.
As the week progressed and we tried to pray and read and press in to the Lord, it was difficult not to just go numb and pass time sight-seeing. It felt like eternity to be away from our children who we just wanted to hug and kiss and hold. Camille expressed an interest to visit with us to the social worker last Wednesday. We had some scheduling issues with cars and rides, but agreed that Friday at 4 p.m. would work.
I had no idea what to expect from this meeting. James wrote a letter explaining the gospel and we bought her an ESV, as we knew she only had a bible with the Gospels in it. We waited about 40 minutes at a restaurant and sipped on some sweet tea. We were both sort of nervous and curious as to what the meeting would bring.
When she arrived, she brought a gift. I think we were all so nervous and somewhat emotional--I know I got teary! We gave her our gift and explained why it was important to us that she had it. She handed me the little gift bag. Inside it was a bracelet that had the the initials of the baby (the name she named him) and a little charm of a boy and a tiny rock that said "faith". She said it was a gift to her from her sister, to remember him by when they thought she would be saying goodbye forever. She decided, now that he was staying with her, it would mean more to me to remember him. I was honored, but my heart hurt and I tried not to cry. It was such a bitter sweet feeling of loss and thoughtfulness.
I nervously asked how he slept at night, maybe hoping a little that he cried. "Like a rock," she said. "He sleeps all day and all night." She proceeded to say that her kids would run in and out of the room and he wouldn't even wake up. Inwardly, I was jealous. There were conflicting feelings I experienced and I didn't really know what to say. I was happy we got to speak into her life and love on her. Maybe this meeting and experience would change the course of her life. Maybe she will toss the bible behind a bed and stumble upon it later. Maybe not, I just don't know. The human side of me was hurting and knew that we would not be going home with this baby. Not now, and probably not ever. We chatted about kids, family and our lives for about an hour.
She's beautiful. It wasn't a surprise, he was beautiful. It was good for us to meet. I felt like it gave us closure and allowed us to move past and trust that God was not surprised by any of it. We know he is good. He is faithful. He keeps his promises.
A lot of people who care for us were mad at her. Mad that we flew all the way down, did what we did, and came home "empty handed." I don't know that I was ever mad. I think that in God's graciousness, he protected me from thinking I went down deserving something. Right before we left, a couple guys from our missional community from church came and prayed over us. One of them said something to the effect of, "bless James and Melanie, even though they haven't earned it, can't earn it and don't deserve it." I agree. On my best day, when I get up early, pray, read, treat my kids well, use a park swing set as a mission tool to connect with my neighbors, treat my husband well and go to bed being the best I have ever been, I am still not worthy of the Lord's kindness. I am undeserving to a holy God, yet he still gives. And he takes away.
There is a lot I will be doing different as we move forward, though. As we were questioned about new birth moms and situations, I found that I questioned everything. Everything in our last situation that seemed good, wasn't necessarily. I asked our social worker GCAA if there was a formula to a birth mom who will do what the plan was. There isn't. There are not guarantees and no promises when dealing with human life.
One translation of Zion means, "the promise (land) to come". Zion wasn't ours to take home; he never was. It doesn't mean that this didn't hurt, because it did. However, I do trust that there is a promise to come. God is faithful and keeps his promises. He keeps his covenants with a broken people even when He doesn't have to.
I love Isaiah 52:7-8 which says,
(7)"How beautiful upon the mountains
are the feet of him who brings good news,
who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness,
who publishes salvation,
who says to Zion, '"Your God reigns."'
(8) The voice of your watchmen--they lift
up their voice;
together they sing for joy;
for eye to eye they see
the return of the Lord to Zion."
We rest in the fact that our God reigns and this chapter has now closed. I may unintentionally burst into tears at inappropriate places, but I am grateful that the Lord has used this to strengthen us, challenge us and lead us to Him. My hope is that in this situation, the Lord would allow us to walk away with beautiful feet.
Thank you all for your prayers, your encouragement and being with us as we go through God's story together. This would not have gone down without the Lord leading us each step of the way.
Blessings,
Melanie & James
P.s. I listened to Lecrae a good part of the time while running outside in Memphis. I need to give a shout out to Lecrae's "Beautiful Feet" on this one...check out the song on YouTube if you like a little rap with a lot of meaning:)
James and I stayed in Memphis for the week after Camille chose to parent her youngest child. It was a week of ups and downs to say the least. A time away was good in a lot of ways: we were stripped of the distractions at home that keep us from processing what exactly happened; we had no one to really talk to but each other; and there wasn't much we felt like doing, so we were forced to see areas of weakness in our lives and the implications that would have coming home to our two beautiful children.
The time away wasn't so awesome because we found ourselves somewhat isolating from those who care so much for us. It's easy to give someone space...especially when they specifically say, "We need space!" What we didn't need to do, was try and carry the burden alone. In some ways, we didn't let others in to help process because we ourselves didn't exactly know how to process.
So, the bitter seems to always come with sweet. Early last week, my sister told me of a family with three children. When they adopted their youngest, the birth mother took the child back. In three days, she contacted the family and said she just couldn't parent this baby because he was up all night and she decided she couldn't do it. This mom mentioned to my sister she would pray that our little Zion would cry all night long, if that be God's will. Camille had asked a couple times if we would be willing to move forward with the adoption if it was too hard, maybe after a month or so. We didn't plan that it would go down like that, but we just didn't know what to expect.
As the week progressed and we tried to pray and read and press in to the Lord, it was difficult not to just go numb and pass time sight-seeing. It felt like eternity to be away from our children who we just wanted to hug and kiss and hold. Camille expressed an interest to visit with us to the social worker last Wednesday. We had some scheduling issues with cars and rides, but agreed that Friday at 4 p.m. would work.
I had no idea what to expect from this meeting. James wrote a letter explaining the gospel and we bought her an ESV, as we knew she only had a bible with the Gospels in it. We waited about 40 minutes at a restaurant and sipped on some sweet tea. We were both sort of nervous and curious as to what the meeting would bring.
When she arrived, she brought a gift. I think we were all so nervous and somewhat emotional--I know I got teary! We gave her our gift and explained why it was important to us that she had it. She handed me the little gift bag. Inside it was a bracelet that had the the initials of the baby (the name she named him) and a little charm of a boy and a tiny rock that said "faith". She said it was a gift to her from her sister, to remember him by when they thought she would be saying goodbye forever. She decided, now that he was staying with her, it would mean more to me to remember him. I was honored, but my heart hurt and I tried not to cry. It was such a bitter sweet feeling of loss and thoughtfulness.
I nervously asked how he slept at night, maybe hoping a little that he cried. "Like a rock," she said. "He sleeps all day and all night." She proceeded to say that her kids would run in and out of the room and he wouldn't even wake up. Inwardly, I was jealous. There were conflicting feelings I experienced and I didn't really know what to say. I was happy we got to speak into her life and love on her. Maybe this meeting and experience would change the course of her life. Maybe she will toss the bible behind a bed and stumble upon it later. Maybe not, I just don't know. The human side of me was hurting and knew that we would not be going home with this baby. Not now, and probably not ever. We chatted about kids, family and our lives for about an hour.
She's beautiful. It wasn't a surprise, he was beautiful. It was good for us to meet. I felt like it gave us closure and allowed us to move past and trust that God was not surprised by any of it. We know he is good. He is faithful. He keeps his promises.
A lot of people who care for us were mad at her. Mad that we flew all the way down, did what we did, and came home "empty handed." I don't know that I was ever mad. I think that in God's graciousness, he protected me from thinking I went down deserving something. Right before we left, a couple guys from our missional community from church came and prayed over us. One of them said something to the effect of, "bless James and Melanie, even though they haven't earned it, can't earn it and don't deserve it." I agree. On my best day, when I get up early, pray, read, treat my kids well, use a park swing set as a mission tool to connect with my neighbors, treat my husband well and go to bed being the best I have ever been, I am still not worthy of the Lord's kindness. I am undeserving to a holy God, yet he still gives. And he takes away.
There is a lot I will be doing different as we move forward, though. As we were questioned about new birth moms and situations, I found that I questioned everything. Everything in our last situation that seemed good, wasn't necessarily. I asked our social worker GCAA if there was a formula to a birth mom who will do what the plan was. There isn't. There are not guarantees and no promises when dealing with human life.
One translation of Zion means, "the promise (land) to come". Zion wasn't ours to take home; he never was. It doesn't mean that this didn't hurt, because it did. However, I do trust that there is a promise to come. God is faithful and keeps his promises. He keeps his covenants with a broken people even when He doesn't have to.
I love Isaiah 52:7-8 which says,
(7)"How beautiful upon the mountains
are the feet of him who brings good news,
who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness,
who publishes salvation,
who says to Zion, '"Your God reigns."'
(8) The voice of your watchmen--they lift
up their voice;
together they sing for joy;
for eye to eye they see
the return of the Lord to Zion."
We rest in the fact that our God reigns and this chapter has now closed. I may unintentionally burst into tears at inappropriate places, but I am grateful that the Lord has used this to strengthen us, challenge us and lead us to Him. My hope is that in this situation, the Lord would allow us to walk away with beautiful feet.
Thank you all for your prayers, your encouragement and being with us as we go through God's story together. This would not have gone down without the Lord leading us each step of the way.
Blessings,
Melanie & James
P.s. I listened to Lecrae a good part of the time while running outside in Memphis. I need to give a shout out to Lecrae's "Beautiful Feet" on this one...check out the song on YouTube if you like a little rap with a lot of meaning:)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Letters to Camille
So, I stopped blogging once we started getting closer to the date of adoption because of some of the uncertainties that were to follow. Sometimes, I am overcome with self preservation for fear of what others think or pride and not knowing the right things to say. I think I have felt somewhat unworthy of this road that God has put us on because we are so stinking blessed and we don't deserve one ounce of that.
After we found out that our birth mother, Camille, had chosen us to adopt her son, I started writing letters to her. Because of the confidentiality I couldn't send anything, so I started a journal dated back to February 14, 2011, the Monday her choice was final with us. I would write to her about her, about me and our family and I would pray with her on paper. I often write my own prayers down on paper and thought I'd just include her in the dialogue. In the letters, I told her that we wanted to meet her and that we wanted to love on her and ultimately that we as a family were praying for an opportunity to share the gospel with her, as she has suffered significant loss in her young life and doesn't really have any sort of support.
We were blessed through generosity of many of you who are reading this, to be able to go through so quickly with this adoption. We felt that God was almost pushing us here because of the providence and provision. I would joke with James that we have just been standing on Mt. Moriah for the last 9 months and he has provided every stinking thing we needed.
Well, I found out a few weeks into writing the letters, that Camille had no intention of meeting us and really didn't want any sort of relationship. I respect that as a mother and a human. Each person grieves differently and she was offering us the most precious gift: a human life. She chose not to take that life, but rather to nurture it, keep it and give it; I would argue the hardest choice a mother would ever have to make. I quit writing after that because it sort of hurt me to write to this girl who would never read these letters.
In 'Fields of the Fatherless' by Tom Davis, one woman says this, "There is a price to pay for being obedient to God's call to care for the fatherless. The price your heart. The heart that was once mine, no longer belongs to me." As a believer and follower of Christ, I believe that we are called to take care of the widows, the orphans and the strangers. Our adoption has not been some sort of feel good humanitarian mission so we can 'save a child' from the projects or from poverty. We feel that this is a mandate our faith has placed on us. Yes, we want more children. Yes, this has become the desire of our heart, but we feel this was placed here by our King, our Creator.
I need to qualify this quickly. I do not think that you have to adopt a child to be obedient to the calling. My friend Michelle says that "if you're not going, you should be sending", meaning that we can help others to adopt financially, by encouragement, or any other way. Other ways I think we can follow the call to the widows, orphans and strangers are: help the single mom by babysitting her kids so she can go grocery shopping without screaming little ones, love on those widows who are lonely and sad, or maybe treating strangers, sojourners and homeless like they have souls, rather than those gross people who should shower and not ruin your dining experience by standing in front of the posh restaurant. As a family, we felt that this is how we can be obedient to the calling of the Lord that was already placed upon our hearts.
So, I started using the notebook for my own notes, and brought it with to Memphis as my personal journal to keep writing in. Our birth mom, Camille, had this beautiful baby boy at 8:26 a.m. April 8, 2011. He weighed 6 lbs 8 oz and was 19.5 inches long. If you saw the pictures, you saw that he was perfect with a full head of thick hair.
We were prepared to take him home as ours, love on him, and introduce him to his new brother and sister who were awaiting his arrival. We were able to see him for 2 hours on Friday and we sang to him, cried over him and loved him. We were asked not to return to the hospital until some of Camille's family were gone. The next morning, he hadn't eaten. Had he eaten, he would have been discharged into our care. But instead, he stayed and Camille wanted to see him. You probably saw the pictures, wouldn't you want to see him again? He ended up staying with her for the remainder of the day and as the day passed, she could not bear to give him to someone else.
She wanted to bring him home and introduce him to his brother and sister, awaiting their mommy's return. We received the official call last night over supper. We stood outside a Mexican restaurant in southwest Memphis while Camille cried into the phone and apologized for wasting our time. We had been praying for an opportunity to share the gospel with this girl, we just didn't realize this was how it was going to happen. I held the phone and bawled, while James talked. He shared with her that we weren't mad and that she is not a waste of our time.
James told her why we cared, that we were adopted into Christ's family. That Jesus is the perfect older brother who sacrificed so that we could be co-heirs with Him. He shared with her how we know that even though this baby will not be ours, that we feel that it was God's divine providence that brought us there to her and that we would always have this bond. He let her know that she is a part of the Lord's redeeming story and that because Jesus loves her, she can find freedom in his finished work on the cross.
We said our goodbyes and went back inside. I walked to the bathroom and sat in a stall and bawled while James braved the seats in the well lit restaurant. We were both pretty tired and spent a lot of the night re-capping God's story that we are just a part of. We do not feel wronged or forsaken. This isn't about us, it's about the fact that we have a redeemer and we know that this was not an adoption story gone bad. My other friend Michelle texted me last night and said to "cry on His shoulder, and lay at His feet." So, we weep. We mourn. We rejoice.
I took out the notebook last night and ripped out my to do lists, my notes and markings that wouldn't make sense and started another letter to Camille. We gave her our blessing, not that she needed it. I feel that it is Christ within me to press on and let it go. We went to church this morning with our social worker and were so blessed. This A29 church has an adoption ministry and our social worker was able to connect with them and also to go and be fed herself.
We bought the Storybook bible for Camille's other two children and sent it off with a blankie and the notebook of the letters to Camille. She called while we were eating to thank us. "It's not us," James said, "it's Him."
So, we are sitting in the hotel room, without much more to say right now. Crying a little, laughing a little and recognizing that we are at this point, just part of His story.
After we found out that our birth mother, Camille, had chosen us to adopt her son, I started writing letters to her. Because of the confidentiality I couldn't send anything, so I started a journal dated back to February 14, 2011, the Monday her choice was final with us. I would write to her about her, about me and our family and I would pray with her on paper. I often write my own prayers down on paper and thought I'd just include her in the dialogue. In the letters, I told her that we wanted to meet her and that we wanted to love on her and ultimately that we as a family were praying for an opportunity to share the gospel with her, as she has suffered significant loss in her young life and doesn't really have any sort of support.
We were blessed through generosity of many of you who are reading this, to be able to go through so quickly with this adoption. We felt that God was almost pushing us here because of the providence and provision. I would joke with James that we have just been standing on Mt. Moriah for the last 9 months and he has provided every stinking thing we needed.
Well, I found out a few weeks into writing the letters, that Camille had no intention of meeting us and really didn't want any sort of relationship. I respect that as a mother and a human. Each person grieves differently and she was offering us the most precious gift: a human life. She chose not to take that life, but rather to nurture it, keep it and give it; I would argue the hardest choice a mother would ever have to make. I quit writing after that because it sort of hurt me to write to this girl who would never read these letters.
In 'Fields of the Fatherless' by Tom Davis, one woman says this, "There is a price to pay for being obedient to God's call to care for the fatherless. The price your heart. The heart that was once mine, no longer belongs to me." As a believer and follower of Christ, I believe that we are called to take care of the widows, the orphans and the strangers. Our adoption has not been some sort of feel good humanitarian mission so we can 'save a child' from the projects or from poverty. We feel that this is a mandate our faith has placed on us. Yes, we want more children. Yes, this has become the desire of our heart, but we feel this was placed here by our King, our Creator.
I need to qualify this quickly. I do not think that you have to adopt a child to be obedient to the calling. My friend Michelle says that "if you're not going, you should be sending", meaning that we can help others to adopt financially, by encouragement, or any other way. Other ways I think we can follow the call to the widows, orphans and strangers are: help the single mom by babysitting her kids so she can go grocery shopping without screaming little ones, love on those widows who are lonely and sad, or maybe treating strangers, sojourners and homeless like they have souls, rather than those gross people who should shower and not ruin your dining experience by standing in front of the posh restaurant. As a family, we felt that this is how we can be obedient to the calling of the Lord that was already placed upon our hearts.
So, I started using the notebook for my own notes, and brought it with to Memphis as my personal journal to keep writing in. Our birth mom, Camille, had this beautiful baby boy at 8:26 a.m. April 8, 2011. He weighed 6 lbs 8 oz and was 19.5 inches long. If you saw the pictures, you saw that he was perfect with a full head of thick hair.
We were prepared to take him home as ours, love on him, and introduce him to his new brother and sister who were awaiting his arrival. We were able to see him for 2 hours on Friday and we sang to him, cried over him and loved him. We were asked not to return to the hospital until some of Camille's family were gone. The next morning, he hadn't eaten. Had he eaten, he would have been discharged into our care. But instead, he stayed and Camille wanted to see him. You probably saw the pictures, wouldn't you want to see him again? He ended up staying with her for the remainder of the day and as the day passed, she could not bear to give him to someone else.
She wanted to bring him home and introduce him to his brother and sister, awaiting their mommy's return. We received the official call last night over supper. We stood outside a Mexican restaurant in southwest Memphis while Camille cried into the phone and apologized for wasting our time. We had been praying for an opportunity to share the gospel with this girl, we just didn't realize this was how it was going to happen. I held the phone and bawled, while James talked. He shared with her that we weren't mad and that she is not a waste of our time.
James told her why we cared, that we were adopted into Christ's family. That Jesus is the perfect older brother who sacrificed so that we could be co-heirs with Him. He shared with her how we know that even though this baby will not be ours, that we feel that it was God's divine providence that brought us there to her and that we would always have this bond. He let her know that she is a part of the Lord's redeeming story and that because Jesus loves her, she can find freedom in his finished work on the cross.
We said our goodbyes and went back inside. I walked to the bathroom and sat in a stall and bawled while James braved the seats in the well lit restaurant. We were both pretty tired and spent a lot of the night re-capping God's story that we are just a part of. We do not feel wronged or forsaken. This isn't about us, it's about the fact that we have a redeemer and we know that this was not an adoption story gone bad. My other friend Michelle texted me last night and said to "cry on His shoulder, and lay at His feet." So, we weep. We mourn. We rejoice.
I took out the notebook last night and ripped out my to do lists, my notes and markings that wouldn't make sense and started another letter to Camille. We gave her our blessing, not that she needed it. I feel that it is Christ within me to press on and let it go. We went to church this morning with our social worker and were so blessed. This A29 church has an adoption ministry and our social worker was able to connect with them and also to go and be fed herself.
We bought the Storybook bible for Camille's other two children and sent it off with a blankie and the notebook of the letters to Camille. She called while we were eating to thank us. "It's not us," James said, "it's Him."
So, we are sitting in the hotel room, without much more to say right now. Crying a little, laughing a little and recognizing that we are at this point, just part of His story.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
God did exactly what we asked Him to do, for His glory!
I am yet again completely blown away at how amazing God truly is, as many of you reading this know, Melanie and I are adopting! What you may not know, is that when we realized that God laid it on our hearts to adopt, we had absolutely nothing financially to draw from in order to make that happen. In fact many might say that it was irresponsible to try and adopt a child with no money. I can't fully explain it but we knew God wanted us to do this. I could never have imagined what that would look like practically speaking. However we felt led to start the process and follow a philosophy that Pastor Brett used to plant the church body that we are a part of. It is a pretty basic philosophy, Keep moving forward until God stops you! He will either open the doors or slam them! Trust Him no matter what! So we started this journey.
We started to pray and seek Him. We decided to adopt on faith. I am not talking about blind faith or a leap of faith, I am talking about Biblical faith. Hebrews 11:1 defines faith as the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. We know that God does what He says and is who He says he is! The interesting this is, that in this process, sometimes we lost that solid grasp on faith and wavered at times. That is where I now know that God is faithful to the faithless. As I wrote the last time I posted on this blog, God came through in a big way and through a number of generous people with contributions of all sizes God answered prayer and showed us His enormous power and capability by putting it on someones heart to donate a sizable amount of money, and that changed not only our adoption process but also our lives completely!
What happened is that we realized even more that God is the God of the Bible and He is all that He says he is in His word. I can say that with great conviction because I know that our friend gave us that money out of love, but not just any old love. He would tell you right now that he gave that money because of the love Jesus showed him and the generosity that Christ shows all of us by becoming poor and dying on our behalf. It is the love and generosity that Jesus shows us in giving His life for us that we would be able to stand before the Father righteous, forgiven of all of our sin. That love and generosity motivated our friend and many others to give! With that we were changed, not by the dollar amount as much as we were changed by why he would give so generously. I am excited to say, that was not the end of what God was accomplishing!
There have been more hurdles and obstacles, there have been a number of other checks that have come in and some doors to fund raising closed and we have been putting in for grants and even came to the conclusion that we would borrow against our house if we have to in order to bring a child into our home that needs our love, and compassion and mostly a desire to raise them to know Jesus! We were selected by a mother much faster than we expected and found out that she is due April 12th. IT'S A BOY! With much uncertainty and questions like, Where is the rest of the money going to come from, here we are! We continue to pray for the mother and for our little one should God decide to place him with us. The story has takin another unsuspected turn!
This AM God moved again, I was handed another check, this one for $13,000. Our adoption is officially paid for! God did exactly what we asked Him to do, for His glory! Today I sit here in awe of the story that He has given us. I have to be honest, as good as this is I have to wonder, would I see Him in the same light if something really bad happened? After all He gives and He takes away. Right now I am overwhelmed by His majesty, His grace, His mercy, and all that He truly is! This story is not done, there is much to still be written in this adoption and in this life that He has givin my family and me, to glorify Him! I will say this, I am looking forward to the next thing God puts on our heart. Good or bad I know He is right here with us!
As I said the adoption is not final and many things could happen, yet I trust that whatever happens, God always does what is good, right, and perfect! Lastly, when asked why they gave, they said they wanted us to not have to worry about anything except bringing our little guy home! It was in these words that I was reminded of Philippians 4:6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And before that it says Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice. Let your reasonableness be made known to everyone. THE LORD IS AT HAND! That is obvious! Stay tuned to see what He does next! I would also like to say on behalf of my family, THANK YOU to all of you who have given to this amazing story, whether it was money, support, or prayer, we would not have come this far without you! Paise God! He is worth it!
To Him alone be the glory!
James Iverson
We started to pray and seek Him. We decided to adopt on faith. I am not talking about blind faith or a leap of faith, I am talking about Biblical faith. Hebrews 11:1 defines faith as the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. We know that God does what He says and is who He says he is! The interesting this is, that in this process, sometimes we lost that solid grasp on faith and wavered at times. That is where I now know that God is faithful to the faithless. As I wrote the last time I posted on this blog, God came through in a big way and through a number of generous people with contributions of all sizes God answered prayer and showed us His enormous power and capability by putting it on someones heart to donate a sizable amount of money, and that changed not only our adoption process but also our lives completely!
What happened is that we realized even more that God is the God of the Bible and He is all that He says he is in His word. I can say that with great conviction because I know that our friend gave us that money out of love, but not just any old love. He would tell you right now that he gave that money because of the love Jesus showed him and the generosity that Christ shows all of us by becoming poor and dying on our behalf. It is the love and generosity that Jesus shows us in giving His life for us that we would be able to stand before the Father righteous, forgiven of all of our sin. That love and generosity motivated our friend and many others to give! With that we were changed, not by the dollar amount as much as we were changed by why he would give so generously. I am excited to say, that was not the end of what God was accomplishing!
There have been more hurdles and obstacles, there have been a number of other checks that have come in and some doors to fund raising closed and we have been putting in for grants and even came to the conclusion that we would borrow against our house if we have to in order to bring a child into our home that needs our love, and compassion and mostly a desire to raise them to know Jesus! We were selected by a mother much faster than we expected and found out that she is due April 12th. IT'S A BOY! With much uncertainty and questions like, Where is the rest of the money going to come from, here we are! We continue to pray for the mother and for our little one should God decide to place him with us. The story has takin another unsuspected turn!
This AM God moved again, I was handed another check, this one for $13,000. Our adoption is officially paid for! God did exactly what we asked Him to do, for His glory! Today I sit here in awe of the story that He has given us. I have to be honest, as good as this is I have to wonder, would I see Him in the same light if something really bad happened? After all He gives and He takes away. Right now I am overwhelmed by His majesty, His grace, His mercy, and all that He truly is! This story is not done, there is much to still be written in this adoption and in this life that He has givin my family and me, to glorify Him! I will say this, I am looking forward to the next thing God puts on our heart. Good or bad I know He is right here with us!
As I said the adoption is not final and many things could happen, yet I trust that whatever happens, God always does what is good, right, and perfect! Lastly, when asked why they gave, they said they wanted us to not have to worry about anything except bringing our little guy home! It was in these words that I was reminded of Philippians 4:6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And before that it says Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice. Let your reasonableness be made known to everyone. THE LORD IS AT HAND! That is obvious! Stay tuned to see what He does next! I would also like to say on behalf of my family, THANK YOU to all of you who have given to this amazing story, whether it was money, support, or prayer, we would not have come this far without you! Paise God! He is worth it!
To Him alone be the glory!
James Iverson
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)